oh what a wonderful night

As i was practicing music with steven for this sat's show, i can't help but have the words to his song hit my heart so deep.
some of the verses goes like this.
"Leaving you was the biggest mistake that i've ever done
and I know that things will never be the same"
"don't forget the moments that we share
don't forget the what we have"

i can't help but feel a sting in my heart as i play this song but I can really smile now. I have finally not let all the pressure and stress get to my head. I accept all the things that's happened and just try to step my perspective back. That all the love i need as of now is God's love. That is the love that i really need to know as of now. If i don't learn NOW how great his love is for me, how much he loves ever since I was created by his hand and was placed in my mother's womb, then i think it will be harder for me to learn in when im having another replacement that i put in my life as my God.
if that makes sense at all...
sigh.
i still miss you. i still wished i didn't decide things on my own. i wished i listened to my mentor..
but the best thing i can do right now is to obey Jesus in him telling me to prioritize my family, school, and ministry. I will never be done being processed by God... and i'm certainly am not done being proceeseed in the area of receiving attention from the right male figure, my father on earth. This is one priority that i need to work on.

I want to start off the year right. i want my heart to be right with God... no more feeling condemn, guilty or following what my flesh wants and have instant gratification.
I will learn to wait upon God and learn to love Him with all my heart, my body and my soul.
that would be an amazing spiritual high.
thats all for now.
i can say, describe, explain so many things.. i don't know if it's going to make a difference.
i'm willing to do anything i can so that i don't add on to the hurts in your heart.
my last words will be this.
my love does not fade away just like that. everyday i think about you and hoped of a better situation between us. I can't change the past but I can better my future. I will seek God so that i will be processed to be the best me... someday i can make someone happy but only when God gives me the go. Then i know in my heart God will bless me in evrything that I am in.
I pray that you will get closer to God so much more. The most appealing thing will be that one day you will be a man that seek's after God's own heart. i will be able to see that God really does live in you and that your old self has died. That's an exciting life to be living in.
i will miss you and i hope i will be able to express all my feelings, be true to my feelings and help you get the piece of mind of all that happened.
"tonite i'll be missing you"... this is see you later chubbie bunnie

tonite...

why does love have to be so complicated. is it me. is it in my head that i keep on running things over and over and just blaming myself..
i can't help the feeling that i hurt somebody in the process to pursue what it is to be loved.
i am looking for love at the wrong places... it's nice that someone cares so much that he's willing to do anything for me..
then i realize through all this mess, God still loves me. HE is showing me that no matter what i've done, He still loves me anyway. i don't need to keep on blaming myself over and over for the past. i can;t change the pass. what i can do is move on, forgive myself and be satisfied that even though it is really tough right now, I am obeying God.
that is a satisfying feeling in itself... I know God sees me hurting and he doesn't want me to hurt anymore. He wants to heal me of this empty heart of mine... the empty heart that is looking for my dad's love and attention and the love of my Father in heaven.
so tonite eventhough it hurts to remember the memories and to have lost someone i loved, I know God is still here comforting me... and that special guy is still out there loving me.
~God loves me.

no stress no stress

to think of what i have to face this week, actually it wont be that hard.
let me rephrase that... the finals i will take wont be challenging but spanish will somewhat be challenging.
i have to spend more time studying for that subject.

What will help me this week is to put on the armor of God as it says in Romans... something.(don't remember) i will not be afraid even if "i walk throught the valley of death." Jesus's rod and staff will comfort me. His words will up lift me when i feel down, His presence is strong in my life and I will obey what he tells me.
I will not make anymore comprimises and prioritizes first things first. I will not be afraid to walk and break free of the old me. I will rejoice when I am put in uncomfortable situations because that will make me stronger in the end.
I am not saying that I am perfect and will do all this by myself, not at all.
I am learning that through my weaknesses, God pulls through to help me and guide me because I can not walk on my own strength any longer. im thankful that eventhough i struggle emotionally right now (on and off) God is still guiding me, protecting my thoughts, so i give over the control to him and submitting to Him fully.
This is what I want to do this week and learn to do for the rest of my life.
Hey if it takes a circumstance to come to my life to remind myself of what I need to do spiritually, then I will be thankful to God once again that he is leading me. I admit my wrongs and my wrong choices, not so wise decisions and just going about things with my own wills but Romans 8:28 shows just how much grace He gives me and how much Love he is giving me.
That unconditional love is some powerful stuff I need to learn!

Love based on the Godly way

throw out all the love songs from this world, all the wrong paradigms of how people see what love is and what do you get?? True love from God's definition. Here it is...

1 Corinthians 13:4 -7
"4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance."

This is a great lesson that im learning from devotion. It's so easy for me to keep records of what other people wronged me in. you did this, you did that, but through God's grace, i just can't keep on operating on my feelings anymore and choose to forgive. Forgive myself, others and let go off all the things that has been bothering me.
Parents, friends and my loved ones only do things out of love. No matter in what way they do it, they only do it out of love because they don't gain anything from telling me the truth.

THe end of a new Beginning

YEsterday was very unexpected again.
TO hear those words was very surprising and comforting.
i've never felt like this for anyone else and i pray that i wont ever have to ever again... or to go through with it with another guy.
one person is enough for me.

i pray that God will lead the both of us to find the answer that we need to know.
I know that one day we will be able to glorify God with whatever talents, plans, and relationships that we build.
i've never experienced in one quarter twice in a row fasting from a person.
it's wonderful and suckky but I know in the end God will work things out.
It's coming to pass what God told me... Watch me make all things new Emma. It's all coming true. I'm seeing it through my very own eyes and it feels so surreal.
I just pray that God will push His will in my life so that I can obey.. walk onto the route He has set for me.

I thank God that I can experience His love more and more and be an impact to the world. I f I have to go through this as a form of testimony also, i will take it head on and wait patiently till once again i can be with you =)

Thank you for the memories and for your love. Dec 15
will be like tomorrow...it won't take long at all to wait for you... you are worth it to wait for only a month. i pray for more things to come =)... more wonderful things, more lessons, more tests and more wisdom to make sense of God's will in our life.

see you soon <3 chubie bunnie

jason mraz

"If It Kills Me"
Hello, tell me you knowYeah,
you figured me out
Something gave it away
It would be such a beautiful moment
To see the look on your face
To know that I know that you know now
And baby that's a case of my wishful thinking
You know nothing
Well you and I
Why, we go carrying on for hours on end
We get along much better
Than you and your boyfriend
[Chorus:]
Well all I really wanna do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can't say it after all we've been through
And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me
If it kills me
How long, can I go on like this,
Wishing to kiss you,
Before I rightly explode?
This double life I lead isn't healthy for me
In fact it makes me nervous
If I get caught I could be risking it all
Cause maybe there's a lot that I miss
In case I'm wrong
[Chorus]
If I should be so bold
I'd ask you to hold my heart in your hand
I'd tell you from the start how I've longed to be your man
But I never said I would
I guess I'm gonna miss my chance again
All I really wanna do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can't say it after all we've been through
And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me
If it kills me
If it kills meI think it might kill me
And all I really want from you is to feel me
Yeah, the feeling inside keeps building
I'll find a way to you if it kills me
If it kills meIt might kill me

Veteran's Day

The previous months' have been times of unexpectency.
I never thought that i would be so involved in things that I was not expecting.

anyways.. sometimes i feel like why oh why am i having such a hard time just interacting with my own mother and other people's acquaintances.
it makes me so uncomfortable and angry sometimes that people judge me a certain way, think about me how I actually am not.
it's my pride that gets in the way and to want to say to them how dare them talk about me in those kinds of ways.... i am not like that, but people will still have their own opinions and i can't control them.

so as for now and forever, all that really matters is how God thinks of me and that should be the only thing that matters to me. The positive thing that i can see from all of this is that God wants to develop a thicker skin in me so that once I get into my calling, I wont take other people's criticisim to heart. Everything does work out for the good of those who love Him, to those who works according to His good purposes.
I love God and God loves me... That should be the only thing that matters.

an ephipheny

omg.. man to think of how rediculous things have been, i can't help wonder what if I don't put pressure on myself to find out about the future and keep on asking God for an answer..
life would be soo much happier and less stressful..
the two pimples on my face already shows how stressed out i was..

I think i'll just stop making my own imagination of how my future will be like and ask God to download his hopes and dreams for me in my heart. i don't want to be dissapointed for chasing things that is not meant for me.

As for all the heat and the warning i've been getting, i realized they are doing it cause they care about me and they don't want me to be in a predicament where everything i've worked for is thrown out down the drain. fo reals.. like wat happend to my CR class..
that was sort of a dissapointment but I can already see Romans 8:28 work in this instance.

i pray that i can keep on seeking Him and find the Truth and comfort in Him before all this ends.

happy tuesday

Today I woke up at 8:45 am..

i just reset my new phone.. and i realized after looking at another clock that my phone was set an hour earlier..

so i woke up way super early than i usually do.

hmm. got ready and brought my brownies that i made for the club meeting today.

had enough time to get milk cause i woke early. God's way of getting me finish all my errands before sschool i guess.

aii. spanish. i loath spanish. must study harder in that class.. dang it.

so i got a call before class from this lady name Lupe.. I texted some people about my change of number and i guess someone i knew don't have their number anymore and instead this lady had it. she asked me if i knew someone... couldn't make out her words.. but she works at a day care place.. Kids care or somthin.. and i had to ask.. so "are u hiring" ahah.

she laughed. asked me if i knew her co wprker..

i guess her co worker was the key in getting the job.

i just thought it was kinda weird we carried on a conversation even though we didn't know each other.. that was fun!!

wooho. i was only late 5 minutes or less to class.. that is a major progress going to spanish class!!!

anym ways.

thought of skippin class (the lab) cause got soo sleepy.. but stuck around cause teacher was gonna explain an exercise the class had to do.

hmm.. so got home.. after running errands wanting to buy micro sd for my phone.. didn't find the right store.. thought of going to frys' next to me madre's office..

asked God wat to do and he said to spend time with me familia and show them love.. i was thinking. oh no.. are they gonna yell at me and that's my opportunity to show love to them?? dang.. man..

turns out i came home, saw my dad leaving to pick my mom home.. he left a bit late than usual and asked me to drive him cause he was sleepy.. heah. he takes naps during the day time like me... when i get a chance.

so that was GOd's divine time.

so i found out the car my dad bought is for me..

HE just said that he bought the car for him cause he wanted to surprise me or somthin?? i don't no.. he is odd sometimes.

dang. the car is much more comfortable compared to the corolla but me no likely the color so much..

gotta play up with car decals/sticker to bring the muted purple color up!!!

oii thought about repainting it until i found out the cost of the paint job.. that's out of the pics.

sighh..

anywyas.. off to do hw.. danger is in cpp studying.. maybe i'll swing by and study at school with him, if I don't feel lazy.. i really should go if not i wont get anything done at home.. =)

Happy mundai...!!

He he.
woke up got a phone call from me madre.. They're getting me a '94 honda civic. woho. a car that they're going to buy just fo me!!! Finally.. no handme downs,.. no . aw she gotta use that car cause she messed up the other car.
woho.
haha.

I just hope im going to do well on this midterm.. teacher a hard core korean lady!!! hope this class's test is not as hard as her other class..
yelp anyways. woho.. monday!! a good start! yeah..
Praise God.

updated: 2:47 am Nov 3rd.

oh man so i found out, actually my dad did not buy a car fo me.. it's for him... good thing cause i don't really like the color of the car he got. it's like this light tinted purple coloer..ehh.

hm after i was done with school, my dad asked me to go with him to pick up his car since he left it at the place he bought the car at.
Went towards Fullerton area and thought i would swing by this pancake house, has yummy pancake.. oh but I came too late. It closed at 2pm.. i was sad and hungry so i decided to find yougurtland in fullerton.
I finally found it after thinking that I got lost. as i was walking to yougurtland in the parking lot, i thought i would go to pinkberry's right across and try that place instead of yogurtland..
I saw tokidoki cups and spoon and that won my heart!! so yougurtland it is... too bad it didn't turn out great. I didn't really l.ike the flavors.. and thought i should've just gone to the pinkberry one.

anyways. took annie to see Johnnie to get a phone!! wooho i like me sexy phone and didn't have to pay anythin, got a discount, and hopefully paying the same for this line as my other line!! woot woot... THis is Johnnie's b day present fo me!! and my b day present to myself.. wahahah... been waiting to get a new phone for the longest time.. so delayed gratification in this case is WORTH it.. cause i got a really nice phone, nice deal, and got to spend time with johnnie, his gf and annie-san. I was talking to them that i wanna go all out and celebrate my b day on NOv 15th... and all of a sudden Johnnie asked if his bf... will be ther.. and i was like.. eh how does he no??
it was prob GOd's devine time that i was able to talk about this whole deal with Nicole and Johnnie. It's good to know where they stand regarding my predicament... they got my back and fully support me =).

hmm I feel like God is going to reveal somthing big to me this week, especially. Thank GOd school work load is not that heavy this week. I will have more time to focus on GOd. Must spend more devo and family time. GO back in doing the things i need to do and clean my room and make bracelets by the end of this week. Thank God school is not crazy this week.. sighh

Firday

heard this song while at school on Pandora.
By Plain White Tees

Friday night's such a beautiful night
Where you going?
I didn't mean to blow it
You're upset, I don't know what I said
But I'm sorry
Don't you give up on me
Take off your jacket
Don't walk out that door
You and me
We should be
Making a memory whenever we're together, yeah
Look at meCan't you se
eWe were meant to be
Making a memory
Don't pretend you're not smiling again
Let's just leave it
You know I didn't mean it
Don't know why we put up such a fight
Over nothing
When we could still be something
Take off your jacket
Don't walk out that door
There's no need to leave anymore, yeah
You and me
We should be
Making a memory whenever we're together, yeah
Look at me
Can't you see
We were meant to be
Making a memory
Can't do this myself
No, I need some help
Wanted some help
Friday night's such a beautiful night
Now you're staying
You and me We should be
Making a memory whenever we're together, yeah
Look at me
Can't you see
We were meant to be
Making a memory
Friday night's such a beautiful night (making a memory)
Now you're saying(Making a memory)
Don't know why we put up such a fight (making a memory)
Over nothing(Making a memory)

Heard this song, and i just thought it had a good tune. Plain white Tees. I remember them, they played at cpp 2 summers ago for the kick off of the start of school but i missed them cause i had to go to cell.. i was sad.. but eh i obeyed God..

1. Question..
Why do we not obey Him, even though we know what we already have to do??
is it cause we reason things out and try to persuade him our point of view/?? He is God and his thoughts are not like mine and His ways are not my ways. Sometimes I still ask myself, what am i doing?? why am i doing this to him?? will he end up hurting in the end?? Do i know better and am i not just choosing God because i am curious. I want to know what happens?? will i end up getting hurt again??

don't know. I pray that as this one week fasting continues, i can really stick to the plan and not comprimise even 1%. That i can keep my eyes on God and completely obey God. Not to feel guilty about what I am doing or who I am with. To not have my parents, mentors, friends disaprove of what I am doing and more importantly to please God with what I am doing and thinking.
AMEN

^ ^

grr..
can a mom not trust her daughter to the point of anything that she does, she has to ask the 20 questions of when, where, why.. and who??
wow. thats great.

LIfe

Sometimes i feel like my life is full of unending tasks.
so much hw to keep up with and cause of my perfectionist character, i want to do things a certain way and i end up doing em last minute...
i don't like to do things last minute but usually it ends up like that.
God is still trying to break that off of me and im thankful my friend reminded me to not be perfect on the project but to get it done and just do my best.
one project i still need to do is not done.. sigh.
exhausted.

sigh. i think about things too much and i realized journaling and cr is a very helpful tool for me.
i got something today about what happened last nite from God.
i know i hear His voice clearly but i end up ignoring Him because i just follow my feelings.
this is a bad feeling to have right now. Must repent and stop looking back at the past.
sigh.
so i need people to talk to... i understand now that we are better together, not just a lone ranger standing alone.. and it says in the bible 3 chords is better than one..
that just reminds me that how ever strong we think we might be, we will still need each other's support to make it through the day and to obey Him

wow

today... is a good. day.. that's how each day should be.

It was a really good experience to just start the day off with reading God's word. I haven't done it in a while. My mind felt clearer even though i was still sleepy. I was reminded to start my day off by putting on God's armor evryday before i do anything once i got off my bed. That's why it was so much easier for the devil to attack my thoughts. I should make a check list of what to do hha!

man so thankful my friend helped me with spanish. i would be lost without her. the battle of my thoughts is only half the fight in taking the test for spanish this tuesday.. ekk.. must raise my grade up.

OHh practiced music at church. dude i realize man i shouldn't put so much pressure on myself to be perfect just by seeing my friend experience it. she was so stressed out about doing things so perfect that she basicly missed out in enjoying singing the songs and just worshipping. My mom pointed out that im like her sometimes.. bwabhaha. i get mad easily like her. uhh no bueno. i didnt say anything to mom cause i knew she was right heheh.

anyways, i was thinkin about what devo said and i was just saying to myself if i was ready to let go of my past. I guess im too much of a perfectionist so that i don't let myself experience things in the present that reminds me of the past. it's so foolish of me to be afraid of letting things happen in the future that might have reminded of memories from the past.. if that makes sense.
The past can't do anything to me if I don't let it. it's only a memory. All i can do is move on, learn from it and not have my focus on the past... soo today i learned to really let go. Yes i'm not perfect and i will never be but I have to accept myself where I am at and see my own potential. God is good for sure. He sees me how I can be and not where I am at right now. so i will take a deep breath and learn to Let God heal my pains. Not an easy thing to do but with time, I am learning to do it!

so glad i got to go home earlier from practice then i would usually do. went home and on my front door, saw a note from my neighbor. It said my dogs were barkin for 4 hours.. bwahs. wat can i do?? dude wear an ear plug man!! j/k... it's prob cause they killed a cat or cause of the event at Fairplex, who knows.

oii.. now off to do hw. jeezzzz.. thank God for boat loads of work, if not i would be bored =)
arcadia is havin those october carnival.. yeah!! time for some cotton candy! the city of arcadia is rich, they post up adds about the carnival on FB. wow.. way to go online arcadia!

man, my mentor was right about what she said to me.. what she said to prove her on. dang it!! i dont like that! but owh well.s.
~i want boba... and some 24 hour sleeping time!!
<3...............................................................................................................]>

bwahaha.....

=)

that was funny.
got to start the day off going to chiropractor=starting my day off with a back that is not tight.
always good.
went home, had plans to go here and there for school and church later on (music practice) but then i got lazy.
laid down in bed and read the Bible. turned to 1 corinthians. Read the chapter abour Marriage. opened up my eyes as to God's rule for marriage and for relationships. skipped around to other chapters and just read about having God's spirit and that He gave it to us freely. I felt so honored. he trusts me that much to give me a holy spirit.
Then read about being holy. This gets me everytime. Even though i read it time and time again, this chapter talked about sacrificing my body for HIs glory. Just to throw in the mix of devo and some stuff I read from the BIBLe, the one thing that I am being reminded of right now is to be holy. Not to let the devil go into my head and tempt me of what i did in the past. Keeping me from looking ahead and just focus on the past and throw a pitty party and blame myself on and on.

Today i found freedom and a new renewal way of thinking. Thanks to God.
off to do projects, taking people's picture for fashion forecasting in arcadia mall.. hehe!! mall...
man.. love my major!
<3... country songs still makes me laugh.. how the words just reminds me of the things i was thinking about you..bewahha..

what a lovely day

"Father God i pray that you keep a hold of my friend. I am so thankful that you keep on taking me back even though i fail so many times. I thank you that you always forgive me whenever I rebel against you. I know i have a lot of shortcomings and flaws still. That even though i think i'm all right on the outside, you know how I truly am on the inside and out. I thank you that you see me as how I can be and not as how I am right now. Thank you that i can experience your unconditional love and that I pray I can keep my eyes on you at all times. For me to ask you first whenever I face a problem."

Since the beginning of this fasting, im so thankful that the devotion has been allign with what I have to do. THis one month theme at church of spritual discipline is no coincidence at all. Im so glad i have a guidance from God's word. I didn't get to read today's devo but when i was in school during break time i got to crack open the bible for a few minutes. I asked God which chapter to open and he lead me to 2 Corinthians 6. I read the part about not mixing yolk with unbelievers. wow... that was such a strong wake up call...

I don't have to elaborate.. but at where I am at right now, I know i don't want to commit myself to a person until they have a strong foundation in Him. I'm not asking for much but if I'm going to spend an eternity with that person, i'm entitled to request certain things to God from that person no?? hehe... yes handful I am!!! I am handful for a reason. I don't want to settle, i want to receive the best from God. I already know all these values but now it's time for me to actually use it and not just throw it all out the window.

i got some visions today from Him.. i'm not sure though if it is my own imagination or if it's from Him... i still need to pray about it. I guess for me to really accept God's truth, i have to be willing to let go of the fear of getting hurt and really let God be apart of everything in my life, not just some of it. That's the hardest thing to do. I say in the morning that I hand over the pen to Him, but in certain instances my behavior is still to take control and just think on my own. This phase of my life really teaches me to come to Him first and just wait on Him. I'm finding more peacefulness in my thought life and even though i still have my moments when i get all over the place but I'm learning to calm down and just take it easy.

still to this day, country songs make me laugh esp the song that goes "life is good again" and somethin bout his a** in the sand and beer in the somthin... hhaah can't remember the words.

like the tunes and the lyrics though. just made me smile cause it always reminds me of the person who shared the song with me! =) wow.. never knew how deep country song was. gotta go to a country music concert one of these days, bet it's gonna be lots of fun.

other things i want to do on a side note:
DISNEYLAND.. happiest place on earth
Sea World
The mountains, Asuza canyon and Arcadia =)
uhh sushi restaurants
uhh soon fashion shows for Hello Kitty's aniv. and Betty Johnson exhibition on Nov 14th!!

sigh so many events.. so little time and hw to do =) i wish i was super woman and get to do all my projects done in one day! haah. so delusional.

anyways....

Got to hang out with my friend who's technically on a leave from the army... somtin went wrong with her paperwork or somthin. sucks for her. seriously. didn't know there was a lollicup at Pomona so she took me there... my chiropractor fixed my back and loosen it after i was done with school, that was a good feeling... felt drained after a long's day of school, sewing class and going to the chiropractor..

got to go to Borders to get a gift for my friends b day. Forgot how much i like bookstore. It's so full of books i say i want to read but will prob never will. Saw some sewing books that i liked, egh pretty expensive too!!

anyways wanted to watch a movie after going to the bookstore but i was beat already! then got to see Ugly Betty, or the last 15 minutes of it. I missed watching that show, still one good show that sorts of portrays the fashion world. I hope that's wat it looks like when i've arrived in my career path! I pray that it will look like that!

oii i think day to day, is a brand new day and even though i miss him sometimes, I'm starting to develop endurance and persevere!! never knew i could come to this place but i know God is helping me. Still have to surrender the future cause I don't know what is going to happen a month from now or even a year from now. Only God can change people. Only He Himself can change the bad in me and turn it upside down and inside out to glorify Him..
i think just ramblin on now cause im pooped out!
nite nite. ... good to know everythings under Control and in God's hand!
=) <3

friday!!!

oh. so much things to do...!!! hw and hw..
it's so funny how when I listen to country music, i can just relate it to what's going in my life..
im thinking wth.. man?? this song knows me..
but then today i got a text from me spritual mommie.. she reminded me to be thankful that im going through a process and that Jesus doesn't give me a quick-with the snap of the finger- recovery.
It's tough at some moments but then I think to myself, when I look back at this time in my life in the future, i will think, man i survived hell and back... so I can accomplish more things that are difficult than this (with Jesus's help of course).

The most important thing i have to focus on is Jesus (keeping my eyes on Him), school cause got boatloads of work to do, and me familia.. sigh.
some good things some bad things.. but i'll take it all cause I can survive everyday with His help.

another one

u no a funny thing happened. i was just still in the computer lab. listening to my mp3. (sorry im not one of those people who have ipod =( ). anyways.
it was some Christian music.. and it was just saying come to Jesus.. in the same time i was reading a lyric from the song Words of God speak by Mercy Me..
something inside of me just felt His presence.. it made me laugh but then i just felt so touched and overwhelmed that i couldn't contain it.

took off my headphones.. just took a little breath. sighh. i got too carried away with thinking about so many projects, hw, and studying i still have to do, i forgot to ask God for the wisdom, strenght and His help.
wow.. This is a really good reminder of the Revelation He constantly tells me!

yeas today i smiled =)...


This is what it says from CR> Love & Relationship Addiction...(problem &solution)
THe Problem:
depresion, lack of trust, isolation, unhealty use of love and relationships as means of achieving worth. These are the characteristics of ROmance and Relationship Addictions.

Addicter to "Love" characteristics are:
-Lack of nurtuting and attention when young
-Feeling isolated, detached from parents and family
-OUter facade of "having it all together" to hide internal disintegration
-Mistake intensity for intimacy
-Hidden pain
-Seek to avoid rejection and abandonment at all cost
-Afraid to trust anyone in a relationship
-Inner rage over lack of nurturing, early abandonment
-Depressed
-Highly manipulative and controlling of others
-Perceive attraction, attachment, and sex as basic human needs, as with food and water
-Sense of worthlessness
-Escalating tolerance for high-rish behavior
-Intense need to control self, others, and circumstances
-Presence of other addictive or compulsive problems
-Using others to alter mood or relieve pain
-COntinual questioning of values and lifestyle
-Driven, desperate, frantic personality
-Existence of secret "double life"
-Refusal to acknowledge existence of a problem
-Defining out-of-control behavior as normal
-Defining "wants as "needs"

The Solution
THe goal of recovery is to achieve and maintain sobriety. In most addictions, sobriety can be defined simply by ceasing the unhealthy behaviors, Stopping and staying stopped are the goals. For most types of problems, the slogan "just say no" is appropriate.
Staying sober is more complicated with people addictions. THe aim of recovery cannot be the complete avoidance of all forms of romance and relationships. It is similar to the challenge faced by people addicted to overeating; they cannot simply give up food. Rather, they must learn the difference between healthy and unhealthy eating. They must eliminate the unhealthy while promoting the healthy behavior. In the same way, for those addicted to love, the goal of recovery is not to become a HERMIT LIVING IN THE MOUNTAINS. The goal is to FOSTER HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS AND ELIMINATE UNHEALTHY ONES.

Asking the following questions can help you determine if a particular behavior will contribute to a healthy relationship or lead to addictive behavior.
1. WIll I later have to deny that I did it?
2. Is it self centered?
3. Is it abusive to myself or to others?
4. Is it inconsistent with my values?
5. would I refuse to do it if Christ were standing here with me?
6. Is it an action without and underlying commitment?
7 will I feel better or worse about myself for having done it?
8. Will someone else feel worse for my having done it?
9. Is this a waste of my time or the time of others?
10. Am I doing this to escape painful feelings of reality?

A Yes to any of these questions should be a "red flag" that the behavior being considered may be unhealthy. when romane and relationships processd with these types of dynamics, they are likely to be dysfunctional and addictive.

Sobrierity means establishing and maintaining a balanced lifestyle. At the same time, staying sober is always more than the mere presence or absence of certain behaviors. Sobriety is more than just "not doing" certain things. It involves personal growth. It is not what we avoid, but what we grow toward, that makes sobriety meaningful. As we have seen, growth must occur in several areas of our lives. we must look to our physical health. We must be concerned for our emotiona, social, and mental welfare. SPritual growth must be the foundational block, upon which, all other growth is built and sustainde. Balance is the key. Romance and relationships have been the dominant factors in the life of one addicted to love. Recovery is the time for these relationships to find their rightful and healthy place as a part of the whole person, not as tyrants which control and consume a person.


"I pray that as i continue on this journey of recovery that i can get over my hurts, bad habits, and hang ups. Amen"

thursday

sometimes life is very funny. we try to go out of God's plan and just try to do things all on our own.
Today's devo talked about romans 8, the whole chapter.
i realized that i can't let my sinful nature lead my life. If the holy spirit lives in me that means we already have the power to not let our sinful nature control this life. Sometimes when i think of what i am getting myself into, i tell myself am i dumb to take control of this life?? to think that i can do everything on my own strength.

I feel at eaze now that i listen To HIM and actually just say yes to his commands and to accept His promises in my life. I'm not saying i have everything all figured out but i know when I obey, God will let His promises comes to pass in my life but only when I am ready to let Him take control.

Im glad that God is transforming my mindset. I am really thankful that He loves me unconditionally if not man.. i don't know where i'll be at right now. All i can say is that this whole love, soul mate, life questions is too overwhelming for me and i'm not going to ask anything more from God until i am actually ready to accept whatever God tells me about those things =)
<3 u...

It's time

It's time for me to move on. to concentrate on the most important things in my life. Let all the pain and sadness disappear. Let God be God and take care of my past, present, future.
Im sick of being in pain and hurting.

so it's time for me to Let Go.

my two and a half months love affair

Love affair with my own thoughts.
It was fun to know you and to really attempt to even dream of having a husband and a future with you.
I guess one thing I can learn from all this is to listen to my peoples when they are warning me. For me even though i heard all the warnings, i wont really learn until i experience a bit of it myself. so i put my feet in the water, tested the water and see how things can be. It wasn't pretty. I didnt feel right. It was as if I already knew God kept on saying no but I just kept on going about it with my own thoughts and feelings. I wasn't completely surrendering to God what I was worrying about.
I'm sorry that I hurt you. I'm sorry if i caused you pain in anyway. I'm just sorry it got to this point but one thing I'm not sorry about is that I got to know you. EVen if you don't want to be my friend for now it's fine... i know eventually we'll learn to get to that point. ALl kinds of emotions are in the way right now and this time apart is for the best. It's really giving me an opportunity to find clarity, peace, and wisdom from GOd day in and day out.
ALl those late nite talks on the phone, late nite hang outs at dennys, i'll miss it. It doesn't matter now. It doesn't have to be a big deal. It's not the end of the world. THis is just one phase in our life where God is teaching us to trust and Hold on to HIs words and not our emotions.

If i say I love GOd than I must completely obey HIm. I'll throw my arms up and completely and recklessly abandon evry dream that I ever came up with and let His dream for me come to pass.

I can't say i didnt warn you.. I told you i can hurt you, be mean to you.. but you still wanted to go on with it.
Now that it ends i really hope you see that this is the best. I hope one day you'll see that I did this for our own good. It doesn't matter that you don't like me very much right now cause i know you wont stay mad at me for long...

I guess if I poor out my emotions and give it all out to you, eventually i'll have to give my all to you but that's one thing that I can't do at the moment. so this hurts right now but GOd will heal it.. I have to trust Him now cause running away from Him aint fun. I already know in my heart what i need to do.

I guess there's nothing else to say other than I hope that you'll find your way into God's arm. I can't do anything else for you to show that I care for you.

I was listening to Kelly Clarkson's song and I thought this would fit to our situation to a certain degree. It made me laugh and some parts like "my life would suck without you" just kind of reminded me of how I am feeling right now.

Kelly Clarkson - “My Life Would Suck Without You” Lyrics

Guess this means you’re sorry
You’re standing at my door
Guess this means you take back
What you said before
Like how much you wanted
Anyone but me
Said you’d never come back
But here you are again

Cuz we belong together now
Forever united here somehow
You got a piece of me
And honestly
My life would suck without you

Maybe I was stupid for telling you goodbye (maybe... I don't know)
Maybe I was wrong for tryin’ to pick a fight
I know that I’ve got issues (I know this is true)
But you’re pretty messed up too (.. but this is even more true for you... hehe)

Anyway, I found out I’m nothing without you (so nott TRUUUEE)
Cuz we belong together now
Forever united here somehow
You got a piece of me
And honestlyMy life would suck without you
Being with you is so dysfunctional (exactly how i feel right about now)
I really shouldn’t miss you, but I can’t let go (hey i have to even though it's hard if i want to continue on with my recovery process)

Oh yeah
Cuz we belong together now
Forever united here somehow (only in marriage will we be truly United so.. I surrender)
You got a piece of me
And honestly
My life would suck without you


<3....e>

monday.

today was a good day until i received a texted from a friend.
I don't want to be anything more than a friend because i don't want to go into a path without having a sense of purpose. I don't want to decide things on my own feelings and my own understanding.
I've been foolish to not listen God for quiet a while now and I don't want to feel this guilt or burden because Im ignoring God.
It's better that we stop right now to take some time off and be less hurt instead of being too involved with each other and end up being worse off than when we started. (or at least for me, that is my plan)

If all my leaders are saying the same thing, that's a red flag to really follow what they say cause most of the time they see things that i do not see. They're only doing it too cause they care for me and they don't get anything back in return.

So im sorry if I hurt you now, but i'm not sorry that we're still friends.
If you don't want to stay to be friends than that's fine. i understand. i do not need the drama anyways. I just pray God holds u tight in His arms.

I guess that's it for now until things can go back as normal. =)

"Just another nite like any other nite"

wow. hmm after accepting what GOd has been telling me over and over again, i feel so much more at peace about evrything. I was very foolish to think that i can control everything and please other people. Taking a break from all the stress is what i really needed.

Shocking things happened last nite and im just glad that i have friends and family that i can count on. I read devo this morning and GOd reminded me one very important thing.
To TITHE... simple as that! I totaly forgot to do that lately and i realize that's why a lot of things have been going on in my life...
I understand now what GOd was trying to do in my life. derr.. so not in tune with Him sometimes.

I guess like the message at cell last nite said, I need to be a soldier of CHrist... no Soldier left behind. I don't need to get soo caught up on beating myself down over and over again for the mistakes or failures that i did. God really cares about the processes in my life that he's allowing me to go through..

It's a matter of Finishing Well and not Completing a task perfectly. That's one thing that really blessed me. Sometimes it's just hard to give thanks when I'm experiencing the processes but once i get over the complaining and the why me''s... I realize that the only thing i can do is give thanks. I feel a lot better too after when I give thanks. If i remember correctly hearing this in a sermon, a pastor stated, when you give thanks to God, you bless Him. That's an amazing statement.


sighh. today i went to the pumpkin festival at school. WOW.. that's all i can say.
Man they have good food. Other than pumpkin pie, they have pumkin bread and muffins, funnel cake and kettle popcorn. wow. so gonna go there and get some...tmrw. !!!

=) .... smiling at people makes them confused.. hehe

DAY uno

saw my CR leader posting a birthday card for me... so i went in to the apps to see what other cards was a vailable and i found this//

so cute! makes me think of easter when i was a kid cause of the rainbow color in the background.

anymeways!! today will be a reset day. DAY 1 again to fasting. sigh.. last nite was a good goodbye. woke up so sleepy and when i took my quiz i was still dazed. THen when i started trying to figure out the quiz i was having a hard time remembering how i did these problems back when i had to do my hw... aii

yelps!! but i think i did ok. =)

things to do this week:

hw!!

dinner with YAP people/don't really wanna go cause it's all the way in SB and it's raining. I don't feel like dressing up... prob gonna go to pst. mike's house to just hang out with Stace's soon to be parents in law.

thursday. finish projects/hw/go to disneyland to see if i can get the free tix and exchange it for a later date.

friday. go to a fashion show and if possible help out!! woot woot.. dang i wish i can get their clothes for free ..=) that would be a really good b day present!!

aii. one more day till i am one year wiser!! not older, wiser heh.

NAtasha Bedingfield "soulmate"

Incompatible, it don't matter though
'cos someone's bound to hear my cry
Speak out if you do
You're not easy to find
Is it possible Mr. Loveable
Is already in my life?
Right in front of me Or maybe you're in disguise
Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Here we are again, circles never end
How do I find the perfect fit
There's enough for everyone But I'm still waiting in line
Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Most relationships seem so transitory
They're all good but not the permanent one
Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone
Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone
If there's a soulmate for everyone

a coinsidental song i came across.. pretty sure i mispelled that word.

g'nites alls!! whoever reads my blog. for that matter ne ways

These are the songs for you.

I was playing piano for music practice tonite. TO my surprise i was actually not sad about not going to the ball because i was having a good time tonite.
I had to play some songs on the piano for practice.. but all of a sudden at the end, my fingers came to play this song.

Oceans apart, day after day
And I slowly go insane
I hear your voice, on the line
But it doesn't stop the pain
If I see you next to neverhow can we say forever

(chorus)
Wherever you go, whatever you do
I will be right here, waiting for you
Whatever it takes, or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I took for granted, all The times
That I thought would last somehow
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears
But I can't get near you now
Oh can't you see it baby,You've got me going crazy

(chorus)
I wonder how we can survive, this romance
But in the end if I'm with you, I'll take the chance
Oh you can't see it baby
You've got me going crazy

omg. man. then one of the people i was practicing made a comment. and he said this is my fav song 10 years ago when i was young.. he was soo not young 10 yrs ago.. but n e ways i had a good time surprisingly...

my heart wont break anymore.
i will wait patiently for you GOd.
I won't rush into things or funtion based on my feelings

I know that your plans for me are plans to give me HOPE and a FUTURE.
Plans to PROSPER me and NOT to HARM ME.
I believe that all things will work for the good of those who loves you. To Those
who have been called according to your purposes (Rom. 8:28).

I pray that i can keep my purity that GOd has allowed me to keep till this moment of my life.
I pray that i can reserve that respect to my future hubby.
That one day when i have to confess everything about my past that
there wont be a lot of junks and bad stuff that i've done that will make
me ashame of myself or will break his heart.
I pray that 1st and foremost i can fall in love with God first.
That he can fill in all the cracks and holes in my heart.
I pray that i can experience GOd deeper.

I pray that by commiting to Him, that i can make an impact to our generation who
so badly needs His love and compassion.
To the lost generation who's been hurt because of all the junks that's bombarding their lives
day in and out.

In the end. I know my parents will be proud of me.
I know God loves me and he'll be my number one supporter in everything that i do.

I thank you that so many people loves me, cares for me, pays attention to me.
Rebukes me when i need it, loves me when i need it, encourages me when i am down,
hugs me when i need love, give up their time when i need to talk,
text me when i miss getting txtes..., just show me they care by being there for me.

Today eventhough it is hard, i am rejoicing... i will learn to worship my God and throw away all
my idols that took place in my life before. SOmetimes i feel like im unworthy for HIs love or forgiveness but thanks to God because he broke that barrier in my mind.
I am worthy, I am important enough to be forgiven and to be loved by Him... I am thankful that GOd sees me as the person who He has created me to be.

Today i smile for God because of HIs unfailing LOVE
<3>

Thank Goodness

Life is a little bit better.

I read this today at some site. it's surprisingly very true. No Magic, No Secrets:Stop looking for love. It doesn't work that way. Focus on your self-improvement. Extend yourself to others. Present the best person you can to those you encounter. Love will find you.

Are you a Jerk:Women are used to dealing with jerks. They have "jerk radar" and special jerk-avoidance strategies. They discuss this among themselves all the time. If you are a jerk or have jerk-like tendencies, you are doomed until you change. It's just that simple.

Flirting:You should be flirting at every opportunity. Flirting is all about conversation. The way to a woman's heart is through her ear. Hence, you need to speak to as many women as possible every day. You are not rude, aggressive, threatening -- just friendly. A bit of friendly small talk never hurt anyone.Don't Live for Love, Love to Live:You were happy before you met her and if things don't work out you will be happy afterwards. So this is the secret. It's not a Porsche, ripped abs or the right pair of sunglasses. You are a pleasure to be with because you are basically happy with yourself and your life. Things are just better when you are around.

Meeting Her Friends N Family:When meeting her friends and family, remember, you are about to be put on display. Listen twice as much as you talk; drink very little, if at all; and try to keep the evening reasonably short. All you have to do is relax, let her do the work and avoid stupid mistakes.

Friendship:If you can be successful at becoming friends with a woman you have the basis for building a relationship with any woman. You need to develop the skills and have the experience. Besides, you can never have too many friends.


so true.. hmm.. haha.
anyways. well today i finally sat at a sewing machine at school.. it was so cool.. i was in awe that i finally get to be in the sewing lab.. to realize that i am one day closer to my calling. It's a really great feeling. Today's been one of the better day in a while. I'm glad to say that God is really merciful. LIke today's devo.. we'll i wrote about it already but yah. i'm just learning to not complain.

today after school, i was so tired cause of the lack of sleep from last nite and the stress from this week.
I knocked out man!! then everytime i spend time with my mom she always reminds me about him haha... i guess it's a good thing that i opened up to her cause i have a guidance from the one person that i really trust. ANd it's so weird about what she said today. In front of Stater Brother's before we went in to the store she said this.

IF God shows you who your soul mate is, then it'll be two more years...

I don't know if she meant two more years till i can get married or two more years until i go into courtship. THis is totaly what i kept in my heart and to have her say it to me just confirms it for me. I think she said two years because that's when i'll be done with school. SHe knows how crazy i can get during school and how stressful a lot of situation can be for me when more loads like relationships, are added on my plate.

woow. so I guess now i just need to share with my dad. Im definetily sure he will have a lot more wisdom regarding my life and this thing that i'm going through.
sigh.
=)
*-^

the end starts with saying Goodbye

1. bye
2. hello
3. tired.
4. I guess i need to let everything go and lay it all under the cross. I have to let God take control.

I'm not going to start hurting myself or anyone else again by being in this same situation.
i have to move forward and keep on holding on to the hope Jesus gave me.

it sucks to be in this situation. omg i can't believe it you're so slow sometimes...
all i'll think about now is my birthday party in November will have to be that much more awesome than before since i can't do anything this month...

so it's a love lockdown from God. and i shouldn't see it any other way...
so life is not such a merry-go-round right now because even if i say I believe Him, i still haven't let Him take full control.. i know all He is asking is just for me to come after Him but there are a lot of stuff in my head i need to sort through with Him.. nothing else to say other than that.
so the end of this chapter in my life starts with saying....
"Goodbye old me... Hello the new me.. by Nov 7th."
something awesome will come. I believe it =)

The actual definition of insanity

Doing things over and over again the same way but expecting different result..
THus: me where i'm at= hitting my head against the wall and thinking about what happened over and over again.. and asking myself why i feel like this.
so to not be insane means to not thinking the same way over and over again, accept God's forgiveness and move on.

this is drama. lust fest. craziness. insanity. not important. did i mention craziness yet?
i'm not someone God wants me to become... so tonite.. pergi ke cell... dapet txt. tapi di delete same temen for my own good.. comprende!!

hurt people hurt people.. i say i care but really if i do care then i will let all this go. Just let God take control and do his magic.. but if i don't let him then i will keep on hurting myself and i will keep on hurting the other person. wohh.. simple but such a revelation..
anywys. im paddling to nowhere in my life.. just having temporary happiness that i know in my heart can not last because i just don't feel peace when i think about the future if i keep on going this route....

so wat's it to you if you know who the one is.. to be honest this is something i shouldn't be even playing about in my mind... this is like fire to me right now.. and when I play with fire, i'll get burn. get hurt, get exhausted trying to do this on my own, get distracted during the day at school, in the middle of the nite at home and when im at my most vulnerable moment.

ok. i want to be done. listening to country music sucks cause it reminds me of when i used to hang out with him. thinking about it no bueno so i will stop. I choose to stop because my brain can't take it. my body can't take it. my tear duct can't take it anymore. im done being pushed around and just getting attacked all the time.

so I surrender to you God and make a commitment to let all this go.. not as a show for other people, not to please other people anymore but for you. The only one who truly knows me and loves me unconditionally.

The End... can the old me (my old life) die and let me be a brand new Creature and live the life God has set for me?

Amen. Jesus Thank you for your cross.

goodbye. there will be no more response. there can't be anymore interaction. i can't do anything else for you, with you. i must run to God and make him my God and not u.
i have to do it to really be able to experience God's love and learn to be over my codependency and Love&Relationship addiction issues.
love....EMma

the actual start of it all

SO apparently today or tonite is the first day that counts as fasting.
hmmmm.. mixed emotions.. overtly mixed emotions....like no bueno man!! well i know it's the consequences i have to pay but im just gonna say it.. it's exhausting and it sucks.
well it was exhausting so i learned a few key steps that is helpful.. helpful to those reading this blog..wink ..wink.. haha.

anywyas. yeah so i learned to surrender, pray then obey...
those three in order. hmm.. what's your face.. ehehe this is so much easier said then done for me cause im getting to know what i'm like when im pushed under pressure and i used to just rebel and run away, do the opposite thing.
anyways. so i found more clarity that i really wanted...
first when i talked to my spiritual dad, I received from God that this thing that's going on is another way that the devil is trying to take me down in... i was so like mad and relieved that a revelation was given to me. this is like the same attack when i had my car accident. It's not as massive but it was still an attack none the less.

so i understand that i need to stand even stronger. develop perseverance... know that God loves me and forgives me... so i don't need to feel guilty anymore and I can remember that God has died for my sins.
im tired of running my own life. It's time that i hand over the pen of my life and give it over to God so that he can write the most wonderful love story that he has in store for me already.
good nite.

daily tasks

crappy.
everyday. go to school. exhausted after school cause i didnt eat a lot. take a nap cause i can't go anywhere else. feel sad cause all i see is my house and can only talk to people on the phone.
forced to be at home so might as well sleep... feeling blehhhh cause im at HOMe... alll the time...
don't want to feel depressed but sometimes I do. The joy of the Lord and His exsistence is the only thing keeping me going... i should change my attitude and be happy that I get to spend time with God but I can't
i feel sad and i want to get out... out be with friends... so i can stop thinking about all these things.
sometimes i feel like im just keeping things in and still can cope with a lot of things for now.. but somtimes i think soon i will blow up and just rebel.. im trying so hard for that time to not happen and fight myself...

i just need a release of down time whre i don't have to think about not seeing him and not missing him...

I guess this is the consequences but im human... i can't take it.
crying helps i guess. Jesus comforts me too.
blehhh

Reading the book

Im reading "When God Writes Your Love Story"
where I am at right now... it just seems so much easier to let GOd take control of my love story. Give him the pen to my book and let Him write my love story. Im so tired of feeling the pain, the anger, the hurt, the heart breaks that this world offers because of taking matters into my own hand...
I guess I do reap what I sew. It sucks seeing the guy that I thought was for me being with someone else.. it sucks right now but I do not have any right to possess any emotions about the guy cause he belongs to God.. so all i can do right now is be thankful that He is processing me. He is processing my response and reaction in this situation so that I can have a better reaction regarding this matter in the future. I thank you God that you still accept me the way I am. I thank you that you still love me despite of my sins, my short comings and my wrong choices... I choose to repent today and from now on. I will strive to not rebel against your word. I will put all my effort in being rebellious to sticking to the standards of this world. NO more will i follow the standards of this world regarding dating, regarding walking with you JEsus.

I love you and I want to be with you forever. Feel your presence in my life and experience your blessings that you have in store for me. I thank you that you discipline me because it proves that I a legitamitelly your daughter. Thank you for giving me value and that in your eyes I am more valuable than the most expensive diamond that exist in this world. Thank you for giving the crown of life. Thank you for wrapping your love in my life and watching my every step that I take even though I make a lot of mistakes. Thank you for catching me when I fall and never judging me for what I did wrong but just forgiving me for my past mistake and accepting me where I am at right now.

I know God never waste a hurt. He will use this situation for my good and for the good of others. I am thankful that God wants to use me and bless me. I pray that God gives me the strength to persevere and continue on being a soldier. I pray that I can have the self control to fight off and flee from temptation that the devil throws at me. I am not perfect. I have a lot of flaws, addiction, and wrongs but God is gracious. He gives me all that I need at the right time and place.

I don't want to be over pressured anymore. I don't want to be drained because of all this unnessecarry drama anymore. I don't want to be the cause of other people running away from God. I apologize if I have hurt anyone who is involved in this situation. That is not my intention at all.... Sometimes Love happens... it just comes around... I can't control who I like. I have a right to my emotions but I know that I can't operate on my emotions...
SO with that said... all that has been done in the past stays there... I can't change anything from the past. I can only learn from my mistake, take the good things out of it and continue on being a champion for Christ... Repent and turn from my old ways and forgive myself of the feeling of guilt.

God is a God of second chances and He will continue loving me... so Now I CHOOSE to obey you God. You and no one else. Fear you and no one else... Not to worry about what other people think of me and just be thankful that you surround me with people who cares for me so much that they are willing to give up their time to mentor me, discipline me and just love on me...

Thank you Jesus.

complaining: this sucks. Rejoicing: Halleluyah Thank you GOd

So.. if you were wondering why I chose that Title.. just read below. This post is me venting and putting everything I am feeling down on a virtual paper...I am not trying to talk or gossip about a person or anything like that... this is just me and this virtual paper.. one on one...

I have had a couple of interesting weeks to say the least. I don't like it sometimes but sometimes it's a learning process....

Tonite I went to school. I drove to the highest level of the parking structure at cpp and just parked there. I needed to get away from everything and just get away to think.

you know I was really tired today from lack of sleep. I got to check on my FAFSA at school, finished making a dress, and started making another dress for a masquarade ball. It's going along fine.. just need to experiment on sewing and what else I need to put on the dress to make it look stunning.

ANyways tonite was the combine cell at church and a pastor name Dr. Allan Meyer was the guest speaker. He talked about sexual discipleship.. woohhww.. crazy topic right. I knew God was goona teach me somthing about relationship tonite... On the drive there God already reminded me that I was not doing somthing right in front of his eyes regarding my friendship issues. So i obeyed in my heart and promised to not do it... but i still doubt God and asked him what is so wrong with the things I am doing right now... boy.. He answered my question through the sermon tonite.

Well God was dealing with healing from my past trauma and I learned about the spiritual aspect that happens when sex happens and the physical aspect of it. This was called Sexual Theology.

It was very interesting and eye opening. i love learning something new to a topic that has been known to the world for the longest time. I was soo excited to learn about this cause I know it would help me in my future.

The sermon was all good and I felt God was really there and present. All was done and over with regarding cell....

so i was feeling good.. wow I got to experience God and all that good feeling.
Then I talked to my friend.
it all went downhill from here.
ok so I guess i learned to use the resources I buy for those specific things I said I was going to use them for. Not that i used the materials I got for other things.. but it was just God's reminder to me to not make a mistake on this part when I do sew things and make things...
that mite not makes sense but eehh. i dont care.

then well.. another topic made me frustated. i guess my response is reflection of how i would respond to my mom when she corrects me so straight off the bat, I already have a bad response to anything that I would talk about.
I guess i was just fed up that i was always being told what to do and how i should dictate my relationship with my other friend.
ehh i don't know.
i had to release all this so i went to the top of the parking lot at cpp.. and broke down.
walked around and saw the phillipino kids practicing dancing and breaking. with some pretty loud music.
that was cool.
it's so good to get awasy and spend sometime with myself. ...

that's all for now.
sad day. but God turns mourning to dancing!! He has lifted my soul.

it's been a while

What can i say.
there has been a lot of changes in my life lately.

The first and foremost change that I am glad about is my major.. i love LOVE it.

Apparel Marketing & Management. I never experience how good it is to live in God's will until now.
Yeah i was stubborn by not trusting God.. i had a lot of issues that He was and is still breaking off from me but I am sooo freed of my old wine skin. WHen i wake up in the morning, i'm just so excited about going to school, about life even though sometimes I wake up still all sleepy and hmm groggy..

My mindset has been changed.. i don't know if anyone can testify to this kinda feeling.. but if you never ever have felt like it.. wooww.. you're misssinn out..

well yah.. hmm got's lots to say but this story tops all of my other random stories so I will just leave the blog.. at this and leave you wanting more.. dahhaahha...

what a month

ALl i have to say about this month is that it's been a roller coaster ride. I don't know whats going on but what all my friends have been telling me is that what ever happens, God is still in control. He will work all things to those who love Him. I will not be tempted beyond what I can't bear but when I am tempted, He is good and will provide a way out and stand under it. something like that



siighhh so let me tell you what have been going on with me

i have been going back and forth to the hospital. Since September of 08 I noticed a lump/bump in the back of my ear. I found it was my lymph node. What it does is it enclosed any substance (usually that I am allergic to) in a vessicle as a defense mechanism.

I kept on going back and forth to Kaiser Permanente from Nov to January. My doctor at HEad and Neck department was Dr. Kim and she gave me 2 months worth of antibiotics. I think that really played apart in lowering my immune system. That and i really did not have a good eating habit with the busy schedule i had for work, school, and nite classes like crown financial and celebrate recovery during the fall quarter.



I guess i kinda let the sickness entertain me. Meaning like I kinda enjoyed somewhat that i had this lump thing behind my ear. At this point there was 2 bumps. So after 2 rounds of antibiotics, the doctor told me to have a CT scan and pathology. sigh.. so before I went to the hospital to get my CT scan, i drank theraflu because I had a little cold. Well after the CT scan, I felt a bit drugged up because they had injected a lot of iodine in me very fast, at a very short time. Mixed with the theraflu, my body was really wozzy and not fully functioning. I went to my car and drove home though. Before I left the parking lot I decided to just call my friend to see if she wanted to hang out and what caught my attention when i was talking to her is that she said i should've asked someone to drive me to the hospital. i thought in my head, well that's true but reasoned out that well I went to the hospital before and drove myself. I should be fine driving myself...

...continued blog on MArch 10th, 2009

to make a long story very short.. things happened that made me very sad. I lost a car that God gave me. I named it Gilbert cause I thought that the shape and color of the car fit well with that name. I realized that yeah it is sad to have all these things happened to me but I realized an even more important lesson from reading the Bible last month.

I was reading about Job and what I learned from this chapter in the Bible is that He still gave thanks to the Lord eventhough there was so many freak accidents that happened to his family. His response to all the problems that was going on in His life was to rejoice and Glorify God. He gave thanks, tore open his robe, shaved his head and kneeled down to acknowledge that GOd is still good. WOOWW after I read that, I thought to myself man I have been giving such a horibble response. If Job can give thanks when he went through soo much more things than me, I shouldn't be stuck in this rut of self-pity and being sad! A light bulb moment came on.

sigh there's been a lot more stuff going on during these few weeks but i will leave that for a later blogging.

simply..awesome.. then weird day... :)

so yesterday was a really great but weird day.

i got to talking with this top top counselor in cal poly for Apparel Marketing and MAnagement./

the downside is that it's not a design school of course but it does teach the ups and downs of the fashion industry...of the whole business side...

etc.. so then the professor showed me around the classrooms. there was this part where all the sewing machine was. they use JUkI sewing machine!!! which is one of the top sewing machines... woww.. and then he showed me around to other technologies in the major. i was high in clouds 9... it was soo cool.

then i went to the parking lot and prepared myself to drive. actually i was looking for somthing and i didnt find it. it took me so long to decide just to go home once i knew i couldn't find what i was looking for.
so i backed out of the parking lot and noticed that the car next to me kinda parked too close to me and hoped that they werent waiting for me to pull out to get out of their car..
so i pulled out and realized it was someone i know.. i was like wooow thats soo weird.. i no the person but i don't really talk to her..
so yeah.
it was weird.. as heck.
the good thing about that day though i got to know about the AMM major. so i made a deal with GOd.. if theres another car chase again tonight.. which would make it 3 times in a row, i would take it as GOd saying i should take a double major in cal poly.. hehe.
cool beans.. !!

2nd day blogging

hehe so second time blogging.
i went to a prophetic conference and will type later of what was disccussed.
all i know is that the guy said asians will rise up in the next 3 years.. yay

the first day of blogging

so i have never blogged like this in my life.. well there was that phase of blogging before i signed up with myspace and facebook but i forgot what the program is called..

anyways.. my day have been a pretty long one.. to think about it.. since JAnuary 6th, my weeks have been full of events to say the least. It's been filled with problems, challenges, sadness, happiness and gladness.

God is soo good. To think back about what happened with my car accident, it's still a painful memory but I can honestly say that in my life GOd exists and helped me through my problems. I was going through such a griefing moment but i couldn't discern that specific feeling becauce i had a lot of other things in my mind. !st week after the accident i think i just felt all drugged up from the medicine i took for my cold and the effects after having a ct scan. They injected me with a high dose of iodine at a very quick amount of time. it was such a shock to my body that i felt the whole week after the accident, my body just needed to recoupe to get it back into its normal mode.

then 3rd week of january came.. welll starting monday.. i had to wake up super early at 5 ishh and couldnt sleep the nite before or the nights before that too..

i guess my chest really hurt and when i sleep on my back, the gravity just created more pressure that it was all i can feel when i lay down. ummm. so yeah that week was terrible but I just held on to GOd's promises. He was trying to teach me a lesson but me being me, traumatized from the accident, having painful whiplash side effects, and just stressing out about if i could fail my class that i took last year...etc.. was just streesing my brain out even more.. if you were to diagnose me, i think i was in the borderline of craziness..

so that week, i read devotions day and nite. I journalled so much becuase i got so much out of devotions just from my day to day activites and i needed to realease all those thoughts i was thinking at the time..the devotion theme for that week was to GIVE the BEST..
meanind GOd required from me that I just give my best. i don't have to give my most perfect work because then i would just produce the same quality of work over and over and never improve...

that week was such a revelation of why i am the way i am right now.. ok so .. i found out.. my external perfectionist image was a character trait that my dad has and it passed down to me i guess.. i learned from him to give a perfect result whenever i do anything just by his enforcement of words since i was small i guess.. i don't really know..
the reason i found out was becuase i heard my mom talking about my dad and how he always wants things to be perfext.. lol.. so the light bulb came on in my head..
second.. hmm i like stability cause ok,.. my parents being the leader of the church.. my dad's a pastor and my mom of course the pastor's wife, crazy things would just come up about the church while i go about my day like doing hw, going to school or just concentrating on my own thing. i felt like it just disrupted and created a tension/stress to my thoughts cause the way my mom would say those church problem is by having a loud tone of voice and with worriness..

of course me being a kid, i react to what my mom would say.. so i tend to stress out too and start thinking.. hmm so what can be fixed regarding those problems or why are those people so crazy like that, that they do foolish things.. etc...

aww also God was teaching me that cleanliness equals healtiness.. haha does that makes sense?
i basicly cleaned everything in my room and moved all the furniture and redecorated everything. i found out the reason my lymph node was swollen was because of a cat that got trapped in my room and it had left something in my closet that made me allergic to the air and evrything in my room. my dog peed in my room too when i let him in and i couldn't figure out the exact place so i had to clean and steam the carpet like 2-3 times for a week.

yeah i really feel like He wants me to repent and is really helping me to repent but also clean me out spiritually and physically (my room).

so He is really working on me inside and outside.. cause whatever is inside me will be reflected on the outside. I can say this week that I am really thankful that GOd cleaned me out and taught me a very important lesson starting at the beginning of the year.... so
i pray for all you guys who are reading this too, to really be aware what GOd is trying to do in each of our lifes. This is a really crucial time in our lifetime to seriously wake up, get up from our slumber and rise to the challenge and calling God has set for us!!!!

He really did woke me up of my sins of my bad habits so that I can do His will, be able to obey God whole heartedly..
pheww.. that was a lot of stuff.. to talk about.. more sharing to come..
from this week's devotion. "Blessed People"...!!!!