the end starts with saying Goodbye

1. bye
2. hello
3. tired.
4. I guess i need to let everything go and lay it all under the cross. I have to let God take control.

I'm not going to start hurting myself or anyone else again by being in this same situation.
i have to move forward and keep on holding on to the hope Jesus gave me.

it sucks to be in this situation. omg i can't believe it you're so slow sometimes...
all i'll think about now is my birthday party in November will have to be that much more awesome than before since i can't do anything this month...

so it's a love lockdown from God. and i shouldn't see it any other way...
so life is not such a merry-go-round right now because even if i say I believe Him, i still haven't let Him take full control.. i know all He is asking is just for me to come after Him but there are a lot of stuff in my head i need to sort through with Him.. nothing else to say other than that.
so the end of this chapter in my life starts with saying....
"Goodbye old me... Hello the new me.. by Nov 7th."
something awesome will come. I believe it =)

The actual definition of insanity

Doing things over and over again the same way but expecting different result..
THus: me where i'm at= hitting my head against the wall and thinking about what happened over and over again.. and asking myself why i feel like this.
so to not be insane means to not thinking the same way over and over again, accept God's forgiveness and move on.

this is drama. lust fest. craziness. insanity. not important. did i mention craziness yet?
i'm not someone God wants me to become... so tonite.. pergi ke cell... dapet txt. tapi di delete same temen for my own good.. comprende!!

hurt people hurt people.. i say i care but really if i do care then i will let all this go. Just let God take control and do his magic.. but if i don't let him then i will keep on hurting myself and i will keep on hurting the other person. wohh.. simple but such a revelation..
anywys. im paddling to nowhere in my life.. just having temporary happiness that i know in my heart can not last because i just don't feel peace when i think about the future if i keep on going this route....

so wat's it to you if you know who the one is.. to be honest this is something i shouldn't be even playing about in my mind... this is like fire to me right now.. and when I play with fire, i'll get burn. get hurt, get exhausted trying to do this on my own, get distracted during the day at school, in the middle of the nite at home and when im at my most vulnerable moment.

ok. i want to be done. listening to country music sucks cause it reminds me of when i used to hang out with him. thinking about it no bueno so i will stop. I choose to stop because my brain can't take it. my body can't take it. my tear duct can't take it anymore. im done being pushed around and just getting attacked all the time.

so I surrender to you God and make a commitment to let all this go.. not as a show for other people, not to please other people anymore but for you. The only one who truly knows me and loves me unconditionally.

The End... can the old me (my old life) die and let me be a brand new Creature and live the life God has set for me?

Amen. Jesus Thank you for your cross.

goodbye. there will be no more response. there can't be anymore interaction. i can't do anything else for you, with you. i must run to God and make him my God and not u.
i have to do it to really be able to experience God's love and learn to be over my codependency and Love&Relationship addiction issues.
love....EMma

the actual start of it all

SO apparently today or tonite is the first day that counts as fasting.
hmmmm.. mixed emotions.. overtly mixed emotions....like no bueno man!! well i know it's the consequences i have to pay but im just gonna say it.. it's exhausting and it sucks.
well it was exhausting so i learned a few key steps that is helpful.. helpful to those reading this blog..wink ..wink.. haha.

anywyas. yeah so i learned to surrender, pray then obey...
those three in order. hmm.. what's your face.. ehehe this is so much easier said then done for me cause im getting to know what i'm like when im pushed under pressure and i used to just rebel and run away, do the opposite thing.
anyways. so i found more clarity that i really wanted...
first when i talked to my spiritual dad, I received from God that this thing that's going on is another way that the devil is trying to take me down in... i was so like mad and relieved that a revelation was given to me. this is like the same attack when i had my car accident. It's not as massive but it was still an attack none the less.

so i understand that i need to stand even stronger. develop perseverance... know that God loves me and forgives me... so i don't need to feel guilty anymore and I can remember that God has died for my sins.
im tired of running my own life. It's time that i hand over the pen of my life and give it over to God so that he can write the most wonderful love story that he has in store for me already.
good nite.

daily tasks

crappy.
everyday. go to school. exhausted after school cause i didnt eat a lot. take a nap cause i can't go anywhere else. feel sad cause all i see is my house and can only talk to people on the phone.
forced to be at home so might as well sleep... feeling blehhhh cause im at HOMe... alll the time...
don't want to feel depressed but sometimes I do. The joy of the Lord and His exsistence is the only thing keeping me going... i should change my attitude and be happy that I get to spend time with God but I can't
i feel sad and i want to get out... out be with friends... so i can stop thinking about all these things.
sometimes i feel like im just keeping things in and still can cope with a lot of things for now.. but somtimes i think soon i will blow up and just rebel.. im trying so hard for that time to not happen and fight myself...

i just need a release of down time whre i don't have to think about not seeing him and not missing him...

I guess this is the consequences but im human... i can't take it.
crying helps i guess. Jesus comforts me too.
blehhh

Reading the book

Im reading "When God Writes Your Love Story"
where I am at right now... it just seems so much easier to let GOd take control of my love story. Give him the pen to my book and let Him write my love story. Im so tired of feeling the pain, the anger, the hurt, the heart breaks that this world offers because of taking matters into my own hand...
I guess I do reap what I sew. It sucks seeing the guy that I thought was for me being with someone else.. it sucks right now but I do not have any right to possess any emotions about the guy cause he belongs to God.. so all i can do right now is be thankful that He is processing me. He is processing my response and reaction in this situation so that I can have a better reaction regarding this matter in the future. I thank you God that you still accept me the way I am. I thank you that you still love me despite of my sins, my short comings and my wrong choices... I choose to repent today and from now on. I will strive to not rebel against your word. I will put all my effort in being rebellious to sticking to the standards of this world. NO more will i follow the standards of this world regarding dating, regarding walking with you JEsus.

I love you and I want to be with you forever. Feel your presence in my life and experience your blessings that you have in store for me. I thank you that you discipline me because it proves that I a legitamitelly your daughter. Thank you for giving me value and that in your eyes I am more valuable than the most expensive diamond that exist in this world. Thank you for giving the crown of life. Thank you for wrapping your love in my life and watching my every step that I take even though I make a lot of mistakes. Thank you for catching me when I fall and never judging me for what I did wrong but just forgiving me for my past mistake and accepting me where I am at right now.

I know God never waste a hurt. He will use this situation for my good and for the good of others. I am thankful that God wants to use me and bless me. I pray that God gives me the strength to persevere and continue on being a soldier. I pray that I can have the self control to fight off and flee from temptation that the devil throws at me. I am not perfect. I have a lot of flaws, addiction, and wrongs but God is gracious. He gives me all that I need at the right time and place.

I don't want to be over pressured anymore. I don't want to be drained because of all this unnessecarry drama anymore. I don't want to be the cause of other people running away from God. I apologize if I have hurt anyone who is involved in this situation. That is not my intention at all.... Sometimes Love happens... it just comes around... I can't control who I like. I have a right to my emotions but I know that I can't operate on my emotions...
SO with that said... all that has been done in the past stays there... I can't change anything from the past. I can only learn from my mistake, take the good things out of it and continue on being a champion for Christ... Repent and turn from my old ways and forgive myself of the feeling of guilt.

God is a God of second chances and He will continue loving me... so Now I CHOOSE to obey you God. You and no one else. Fear you and no one else... Not to worry about what other people think of me and just be thankful that you surround me with people who cares for me so much that they are willing to give up their time to mentor me, discipline me and just love on me...

Thank you Jesus.

complaining: this sucks. Rejoicing: Halleluyah Thank you GOd

So.. if you were wondering why I chose that Title.. just read below. This post is me venting and putting everything I am feeling down on a virtual paper...I am not trying to talk or gossip about a person or anything like that... this is just me and this virtual paper.. one on one...

I have had a couple of interesting weeks to say the least. I don't like it sometimes but sometimes it's a learning process....

Tonite I went to school. I drove to the highest level of the parking structure at cpp and just parked there. I needed to get away from everything and just get away to think.

you know I was really tired today from lack of sleep. I got to check on my FAFSA at school, finished making a dress, and started making another dress for a masquarade ball. It's going along fine.. just need to experiment on sewing and what else I need to put on the dress to make it look stunning.

ANyways tonite was the combine cell at church and a pastor name Dr. Allan Meyer was the guest speaker. He talked about sexual discipleship.. woohhww.. crazy topic right. I knew God was goona teach me somthing about relationship tonite... On the drive there God already reminded me that I was not doing somthing right in front of his eyes regarding my friendship issues. So i obeyed in my heart and promised to not do it... but i still doubt God and asked him what is so wrong with the things I am doing right now... boy.. He answered my question through the sermon tonite.

Well God was dealing with healing from my past trauma and I learned about the spiritual aspect that happens when sex happens and the physical aspect of it. This was called Sexual Theology.

It was very interesting and eye opening. i love learning something new to a topic that has been known to the world for the longest time. I was soo excited to learn about this cause I know it would help me in my future.

The sermon was all good and I felt God was really there and present. All was done and over with regarding cell....

so i was feeling good.. wow I got to experience God and all that good feeling.
Then I talked to my friend.
it all went downhill from here.
ok so I guess i learned to use the resources I buy for those specific things I said I was going to use them for. Not that i used the materials I got for other things.. but it was just God's reminder to me to not make a mistake on this part when I do sew things and make things...
that mite not makes sense but eehh. i dont care.

then well.. another topic made me frustated. i guess my response is reflection of how i would respond to my mom when she corrects me so straight off the bat, I already have a bad response to anything that I would talk about.
I guess i was just fed up that i was always being told what to do and how i should dictate my relationship with my other friend.
ehh i don't know.
i had to release all this so i went to the top of the parking lot at cpp.. and broke down.
walked around and saw the phillipino kids practicing dancing and breaking. with some pretty loud music.
that was cool.
it's so good to get awasy and spend sometime with myself. ...

that's all for now.
sad day. but God turns mourning to dancing!! He has lifted my soul.

it's been a while

What can i say.
there has been a lot of changes in my life lately.

The first and foremost change that I am glad about is my major.. i love LOVE it.

Apparel Marketing & Management. I never experience how good it is to live in God's will until now.
Yeah i was stubborn by not trusting God.. i had a lot of issues that He was and is still breaking off from me but I am sooo freed of my old wine skin. WHen i wake up in the morning, i'm just so excited about going to school, about life even though sometimes I wake up still all sleepy and hmm groggy..

My mindset has been changed.. i don't know if anyone can testify to this kinda feeling.. but if you never ever have felt like it.. wooww.. you're misssinn out..

well yah.. hmm got's lots to say but this story tops all of my other random stories so I will just leave the blog.. at this and leave you wanting more.. dahhaahha...